life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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