My sheets look like a crime scene.
I faked an abortion last night.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
