i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
