I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
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I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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