im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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