i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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