can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
