The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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