I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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