he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
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I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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