dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
