Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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