I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
