happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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