sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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