I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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