Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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