my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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