It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
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I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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