I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
