I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
