very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
