broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
