So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
