I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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