Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
