I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
