I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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