when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
