Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
