Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
