someone get that fucking seahorse.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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