I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
