The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
