Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
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Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
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pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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