All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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