I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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