it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
