I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
