she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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