I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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