Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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