I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize