can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
