they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dicks are not precious.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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