Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
