I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
