My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
