Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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