You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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