Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
