Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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