Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
