Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
