yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
