I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
