I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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