I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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