If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
