and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
