you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
