i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize